Those of you who have been around for a while may have already come to realize that we are naughty, irreverent, shameless (some of us more than others), and as Jason's little brother, Michael, recently pointed out, "relentless". (God, I love a man who isn't afraid to cite the obvious.) We also value good writing and humor, and we think we're pretty clever and funny... most of the time.
Yes, the Goth Girls are a bunch of classy, virtuous, demure, and humble women. Women who love Jason Castro... who is also classy, virtuous, demure, and humble. Who said opposites attract?
Last year around this time, I thought it would be fun to rewrite the Dr. Seuss classic, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". It took a long time, and I nearly gave up halfway through. I even put it aside for a couple of weeks, but in the end, I decided I was not going to let a grinch get the best of me and finished what I started... just in time for Christmas. I even posted it on Jason's myspace. *sigh* It was a proud moment.
Colleen suggested I blog the parody this year. So here it is... Goth Girl style.
NOTE: No disrespect to Dr. Suess or American Idol intended. I got nothin' but love for my favorite children's book author, and we realize the show is responsible for introducing us to Jason in the first place and for getting him noticed.
But the powers that be at AI…they did NOT.
They all hated Jason the whole AI season.
Now please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that their heads weren’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, Jason’s pantz were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that their hearts were two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, their hearts or the pantz,
They sat there on Tuesday reciting their rants.
Staring up from their scripts with their sour, grinchy frowns.
Thinking, “How has he earned the support of those clowns.”
Among them, the Goth Girls were flipping their lids
Especially after the Tainted Love vid.
“They’re singing his praises and voting like mad.
Those Goth Girls will ruin all the plans that we had.”
Then Nygel with wheels turning round in his head said,
“In the end, we’ll have Cook vs. Archie instead.”
Then he turned to the judges and questioned the three,
“How could you put Jason through Hollywood week?
Oh, those fans, how they shriek! How they shriek! Shriek! Shriek! Shriek!
If there’s one thing I hate it’s the shrieks! Shrieks! Shrieks! Shrieks!”
“The girls young and old are sitting down every chance,
To stare at his eyes, and his dreads, and his pantz.
Oh the pantz! Jason’s pantz! Jason’s pantz! Pantz! Pantz! Pantz!
His pantz have them all in a permanent trance.
They don’t even care that the guy cannot dance!”
Then they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Goth down in Gothville, the tall and the small,
Would pick up their phones and for two hours straight
They would vote while their dinner sat cold on their plate.
They’d vote! And they’d vote!
And they’d vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
And the more Nygel thought of this Goth voting spree,
The more Nygel thought, “We must go to plan B!
“Why, for 63 days I’ve put up with it now!
We MUST stop Jason from winning!
…But HOW?”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THAT GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“Is it true that Jason has a cold and sore throat?
If we push him real hard he might miss a note.
Then we’ll make him look like a foolish ding dong
By failing to mention a cat sang that song.”
“And I need your assistance Simon, Paula, and Randy
We’ll write bad critiques…won’t that come in handy?
Remember to hold them til the end of the show.
Just read what I’ve written and no one will know.
It won’t really matter how he sings on that night.
With you three behind me, he’ll go down with no fight.
The David’s finale is finally in sight!”
Meanwhile, a new thread on the forum emerged
Where like-minded Castro admirers converged.
“Jason in Goth” was the thread’s simple name.
Life after Goth would not be the same.
The premise was simple: Goth Jason was hot!
And six in particular did not want to stop.
Laura, Angie, Melinda, and Madi
Joined Colleen and Amber to drool over Goth Daddy.
For three nights and four days, the thread grew and grew.
And soon other women joined in the fun, too!
They knew that some fans found their comments uncouth.
But the Goth Girls cared not…and that is the truth!
The thread was soon canned
And the Goth Girls were banned
From AI.com and Jason Castro Land.
All of them but Melinda were kicked.
She was spared by the mods…her cohorts were ticked!
They all soon met up in a chat room to play
There, friendships were forged and they knew they would stay.
On American Idol the following week.
Jason was still on his winning streak.
Neil Diamond was the week’s big theme.
Forever in Blue Jeans he sang supreme.
He charmed us all again that night.
With sultry vocals and blue eyes bright.
The powers that be had much different plans.
To send a message to all of his fans.
So after his “Blue Jeans” performance was through
Jason lined up with the rest for review.
First there was Randy. His critique…no surprise.
He’d been waiting all season for Jason’s demise.
Next, it was Paula Abdul’s turn to share
She lowered her head to read what was there.
On the script cards that were written for her
Was Jason’s review which would cause quite stir.
“The lower register on your first Diamond song.
Was so nice to hear because it has been long
Since you’ve showcased that skill on the Idol stage.”
Paula reads further down the small scripted page.
“The second song lacked your usual charm.
It left me empty, and I am alarmed.
It may not be enough to make the top four.
If you don’t fight to stay, we’ll show you the door.”
Members of the studio audience laughed
At Paula for making herself to look daft.
Paula had shocked everyone on the show
Judges, contestants, and fans of Castro.
They stood on the stage and looked all confused
In the AIM chat, the Goth Girls were less than amused.
She confirmed what they had all known all the while
AI was a sham and their actions were vile.
Randy tried to make up for Paula’s mistake.
And for Jason, the Goth Girls’ hearts they did ache.
It didn’t take long for their smiles to grow dim.
For they knew it would all soon be over for him.
The odds of a top three appearance were slim.
Things did not improve the next week on the show.
It was clear that this was the week he would go.
His first song was I Shot the Sheriff you see.
He played to the crowd and sang confidently.
Then Simon began his review of distaste
“What were you thinking?” he uttered in haste.
Goth Daddy’s expression was one of surprise
“I was thinking Bob Marley!” came his quick reply.
The Goth Girls rejoiced though still they were low.
They didn’t want Jason to leave that dumb show.
They’d grown so accustomed to seeing him now.
It wasn’t his time to take his final bow.
So they hoped and they prayed all night and all day
For some kind of miracle to come Jason’s way.
But alas it did not. On Wednesday, you see…
Was Jason’s big sing out to the tune of Marley.
The Goth Girls were there for each other that night
In the chat room at AIM they denounced Jason’s plight.
Afraid that too soon they would each be denied
Of their weekly dose of their free Castro ride.
But Jason’s face would again grace the tv
But this time for shows like Regis and Kelly
The interviews came and the Goth Girls were thrilled
They still had their boy and their hearts were fulfilled.
Then soon the tour started and most headed for
A show that was close for the man they adore.
Laura Anne was the first to see the big show.
But Colleen was the first one to meet him you know.
She went to the show Super Soaker in hand
To present a second one to our Goth man.
“Have you heard of us?” she asked with a squee.
“Oh yeah,” he responded flirtatiously.
Soon after, our Heather came up with a plan
For a gothy new gift for our number one man.
Diesel jeans was the gift but the trick was so sly
Two delicate G’s stitched right into the fly.
They would come with a short, mischievous note.
“We finally got into your pants,” the girls wrote.
Charlotte, N.C. was the hot place to be
With Goth Girls of four bearing gifts for Daddy.
Melinda and Erin and Colleen and Tammy
Stood in front of Jason…hearts racing, hands clammy.
He opened the jeans and asked with delight
“What size are these?” We hoped they’d be tight.
Fangirls to the max, I’m afraid to convey.
We asked him to wear them later on in the day.
Believe it or not, at the end of the show
Doors opened and out came our man in slow mo.
The eyes of the four enamored Goth queens
Looked down, just in time…
…to see our Goth jeans.
For posterity:
Later that evening:
Still makes me smile. =)
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